Marcel Proust, ស្វែងរកពេលវេលាបាត់បង់

យើងជឿថាយើងអាចផ្លាស់ប្ដូរអ្វីៗដែលនៅជុំវិញខ្លួនយើងឲ្យស្របតាមបំណងប្រាថ្នារបស់យើងបាន—យើងជឿអញ្ចឹងព្រោះបើមិនអញ្ចឹងទេយើងមើលមិនឃើញលទ្ធផលណាអំណោយផលទេ។ យើងមិនគិតអំពីលទ្ធផលណាដែលនឹងកើតឡើងជាទូទៅ ហើយក៏មានអំណោយផលដែរនោះទេ៖ យើងមិនបានជោគជ័យក្នុងការផ្លាស់ប្ដូរអ្វីៗដែលនៅជុំវិញខ្លួនយើងឲ្យស្របតាមបំណងប្រាថ្នារបស់យើងទេ តែបំណងប្រាថ្នារបស់យើងផ្លាស់ប្តូរបន្តិចម្ដងៗ។ ស្ថានភាពណាដែលយើងធ្លាប់សង្ឃឹមថានឹងផ្លាស់ប្ដូរដោយសារយើងពុំអាចទ្រាំបានក្លាយជារឿងមិនសំខាន់ចំពោះខ្លួនយើង។ យើងបានបរាជ័យក្នុងការពុះពារឧបសគ្គ ដែលយើងបានប្ដេជ្ញាជំនះជាដាច់ខាត តែជីវិតបានពង្វាងខ្លួនយើងចេញ នាំខ្លួនយើងឲ្យទៅហួសផុតឧបសគ្គនោះ រួចហើយបើយើងងាកមកសម្លឹងមើលទៅអតីតកាលដែលកន្លងហួសឆ្ងាយវិញ យើងមើលស្ទើរតែមិនឃើញ វាបានក្លាយជាអសញ្ញានីយដ៏ស្ដួចស្ដើង។

Marcel Proust, ស្វែងរកពេលវេលាបាត់បង់

[Draft] Untitled

Two high school girls were queuing at the counter of a Café. One of them seemed excited about something as she jumped up and down, laughing and swirling around her friend. Jett Calder was walking to his usual table when the sounds of her laughter turned his head. At the same time, she looked up, and their eyes met. Breaths left his lungs. Time slowed down to a stop. Her eyes were crystal clear like two pieces of the most extraordinary jewels on the planet, inadequately concealed by some of her long wavy hair freed from a tight ponytail tie.

Visions of them together started appearing in his mind. Then, within a few seconds, Jett had lived with her a few lifetimes. Jett knew then that he had fallen in love with the nameless girl in front of him. All of his desires were bubbling, and his senses were fading.

Clink! Clunk! Clink!

The queuing number made of a triangle metal fell from his grasp, and its loud clinking sound jolted Jett back to his sense catching for breath. The other customers looked over, but his eyes had never left hers. Then, unconsciously, he slowly walked toward her and stopped just within three steps away.

He wanted to ask for her contact but became flustered when he opened his mouth, “Be my girlfriend?—”
“No! You’re single?—”
“No! What’s your name?—”
“Sorry…”

Jett spouted three questions in one breath without ever giving a chance for the girl to answer. He knew he had failed and blamed himself for walking over without preparation. He felt so embarrassed that he wanted nothing but to teleport away.

Just as he was about to make his way to the door, Jett heard her distinct laughter again. It was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. He looked up. There she was, studying his face with interest and amusement. Her friend chuckled and remarked, “Your face is redder than tomato.”

Something about her reaction to her friend’s remark made Jett chuckle along with them, and all his earlier nervousness disappeared. Once he had regained his calm, she told him her name, “Lyta.

“I have a boyfriend, ” she added with a hint of guilt.

Ding! The barista announced Jett’s number. His chocolate frappe was ready.

“I’m Jett. See you around, Lyta!”

He collected his chocolate and left the Café without another glance.

The next day, he returned to the Café, but he didn’t meet her. After that, he would return to the Café every few days, but he never saw her again since. He searched for her with her name and her school. He remembered her sky blue plaid skirt, a distinguished school uniform—renowned for its highest number of pretty students. But he never found her. Dawn Identity didn’t allow users to filter with only the first name and school.

Three years had passed since he met Lyta, but Jett had never once been able to forget her. She had become an anchor against every other woman he met.

I met a girl at a Cafe. She was laughing when our eyes met. I fell in love and left my heart on the Cafe’s welcome mat. It was her favorite Cafe.

Untitled 1

A group of six high school boys surrounded Kyle in the locker room. On the floor was Kyle’s cellphone, which the six boys have been kicking to pass around between themselves. Kyle tried to run to one with the phone, but the boy quickly kicked it away to an opposite boy.

Kyle stopped in the middle to think. He knew that he would never be faster than six people.

Reduce the number of people!

Since he was reducing them anyway, zero would be the ideal number. The cellphone’s velocity would be zero without external force affecting it.

Kyle took out a metal ruler from his backpack. He dashed toward one of the boys, then without hesitation, drove the ruler into his neck, twisting it hard drawing it back out. As if practiced a thousand times, Kyle turned his body slightly toward the next boy, then the same scene happened.

By the time someone managed to react, two boys were down; only four remained. However, there was no more surprise factor. It was no longer easy to attack the other four. If he was not fast enough, some of them might escape. At that moment, he only wished he had a Samurai instead of a dulled ruler. Too fast, then the fatality would be lowered.

“Poison is still the best after all,” sighed Kyle as he jumped toward the furthest boy. The boy covered his neck with both hands when he saw Kyle look at him. The other three boys began moving; confusion filled their eyes. Contrary to his expectation, Kyle threw the ruler into the air, grabbed the boy’s head, then twisted it so hard it almost turn around.

The spectators began to run, especially the girls who hysterically screamed as they did so, but the locker room wasn’t spacious. The door jammed, the students pushing each other, blocking the escape path for the three boys.

One of the boys fell on his buttocks and apologized profusely; the other two quickly joined the display.

“I’m sorry! I was just kidding with you, Kyle,” cried one of the boys. “Don’t hurt me!”

Kyle gently smiled. The boys felt relieved as they had just survived a calamity, but so was Kyle, as he didn’t have to worry about chasing them now that they sat down obediently.

Kyle picked up his cellphone and walked away, leaving behind six boys more dead than alive.

…

The police arrived at the scene not too long after Kyle walked out of the room. They quickly took Kyle into custody.

“Why did you kill them?” asked the police with a tone harshed from anger and despised.

Kyle was strangely calm. “They took my cellphone. I merely defended myself.”

“That’s no reason to kill six people!”

He knew the police would never understand his point. So, he didn’t say anything more.

Knock! Knock!

“Jake! Your daughter is here bringing your lunchbox,”

Noticing how the officer doted on his daughter, Kyle felt elated. He forcefully broke free from the cuffs and transformed the daughter into a cellphone in front of the officer.

The lunchbox dropped to the ground, and everyone at the scene stirred. Kyle moved slowly toward the cellphone on the ground and proceeded to gently kick it. He looked at the still shocked officer. “Do you understand what I said now?”

She’s Gone

Kampong Cham.

July 15th, 2021 21:19

Words came, unexpectedly, deep into the night. I was working on my last project when I got texts from her. Without any explanation, the texts announced she’s gone. Silence permeated the air in my room, and I couldn’t even hear the loud music coming from my earphones.

Ding! Another new notification. The ordinary sound seemed to have the power to resume time. For a moment, I had hoped that it was another text from her telling me something more, but it was just an advertisement from a random novel. I dropped my phone back onto my table as I felt the first wave of my chest’s pain. My heart ached. I lost her, and I didn’t know why.

As difficult as it was, I tried to regain control over my emotions with reasons—I could succeed intermittently, during which the pain would disappear. Maybe there has been a misunderstanding of some sort, I hope. Perhaps I was overthinking things?

Ding! Another notification. It still wasn’t her, just an alert of a new book release. Then eight new ones started coming every few minutes. Each one caused a wave of pain inside me, each one hurting worse than the last. I had thought of disabling the notification system, but I was half hoping that she might send another text.

She didn’t. 

She’s gone.

It wasn’t a dream.

As I slumped back on my chair, I wondered if I should let another person coming close to me in the future. My rational mind quickly killed off that line of thought the instant it formed. I shall never be cynical about love. This much pain is nothing in exchange for the possibility of meeting one soulmate.

I couldn’t work anymore. Without turning off my computers, I laid in bed to indulge my pain.

I wish she had stayed, but she loves the moon. 

A Girl Who Loves the Moon

Her presence nullified the sorrow of every sad song, for, with her, I’d smile listening to those sad tunes, but without her, I’d cry to a mere sound of zephyr.

—To a girl from afar

Record of Phantasten [Draft]

Phantasten: (noun) a monster that lives inside your head—it feeds on the toxin released while you are awake. When overfed, it will spring up into your sleep to wake you up. Too much of that toxin leads to addiction for Phantasten.

On the 85th King’s Mother’s Birthday, Jett had a holiday. Although he would proceed to spend an entire day without doing or even thinking of anything remotely related to the event. It was just another ordinary day added to the weekends. It was not at all within his imagination that it would be the day he meets that monster. It’s 2021, and nobody really believes in ghosts or monsters anymore. Fantasy and horror films are still a hit though they are at most just entertainment. Jett shared the same opinion: science. One thing to note, Jett was really sleep-deprived that day.

Ding!
The movie ended along with the AirPods battery. Jett casually glanced at the clock, and it was already 22:05, which was way past bedtime. He stared at the lines of code on the computer’s screen and pondered if he should just work on his project till morning or go to sleep. In the end, Jett decided to read a book. One paragraph later, he woke up in a strange place to a series of paranormal events.

However, to analyze the phenomenon, we have to start from earlier that day. When Friday is a holiday, Thursday night is the new Friday night. He could have chilled and relaxed, do some reading, or watch some movie, or do anything aside from work. Yet, he decided to work. But it didn’t work out as planned, thanks to countless trips to the kitchen. Morning came with no work done. Had he picked up a random book, he’d be in dreamland waking up with refilled brain juice, but he didn’t. Because there’s a meeting scheduled at noon, and he can’t afford to miss it. Everyone knows that if Jett goes to sleep in the morning, he wakes up in the afternoon or evening. The meeting didn’t happen anyway, but that’s irrelevant to the story.

There are a few hours to kill. Jett went upstairs to work out. Now everything should have gone boring and naturally if he hadn’t suddenly thought of the idea to adjust the routine up. Five minutes into that, he can barely move his hands. Pain accompanied his every little movement. He spent the next few hours complaining to his friends. An hour before the meeting, he got up to get ready, and when it didn’t happen, he sat down and started complaining to his friend, again, a different friend.

Waking up from an evening nap abruptly, Jett realized that the timing could not be worse—too early, yet too late. With 2 hours as an average sleep duration of the week, Jett got up and started watching TV. Too sleepy to work and too sober to go back to sleep. When the movie ended, it was already 22:05.

After what seems like 30 minutes into his sleep, which to Jett was an instant, he woke up inside his sleep, like an out-of-the-body experience. First, he realized that he can move his hand. He tried to move it around and finally moved it closer to his face. Jett didn’t notice it yet, but the hands weren’t his. His right hand was pointing toward his face instead of outward, which is impossible unless it was someone else’s hand. However, he felt convinced that it was his own hand when he could move it. But it definitely wasn’t his own hand because that was a woman’s hand. Unaware of the abnormalities, Jett suddenly felt that he could move his entire body and that he was compelled to sit up.

He tried hard to sit up. At that moment, he felt a severance between him and his sleeping body. He seemed to see himself as a transparent figure with white-gold outlines sitting up. Jett noticed a tremendous increase in his speed of thought and vivid memory. He remembered the state of meditation from eastern fantasy movies and thought that maybe those gods and immortals were real, maybe there were more to the world, and perhaps once existed those monsters and strange creatures. He felt that everything is possible within a thought. Exhilarated, Jett tried to get into the lotus position.

He could not feel his hands or feet or his body. It was like his mind was his entirety. He began to panic a little. He closed his eyes, but he can still see. But at this point, there was no logic in his mind. Everything made perfect sense to him. He tried to feel his hands a few more times.

Thud Thud Thud…
The sound of the heart beating came out of nowhere, but it didn’t affect his supposed clarified state of mind. Soon, the sense of two hands came back to him, followed by the two legs. They weren’t his, but he didn’t know. He strived to bring both hands together. It was painful and lagging. At one point, he thought that maybe he’s missing something, like scripture to chant or an internal breathing technique like the fantasy books he read. There was one thing he can try.

Long deep breathe. One deep breath later, Jett was floating. He thought he’d be falling back, so Jett moved his legs into the lotus position as fast as he could. That quick movement caused him so much pain in his whole body. Nonetheless, he succeeded in getting into the lotus position. Jett started to focus on pondering things. However, whenever he focused on any particular topic, he’d feel painful and breathless. A few tries later, he noticed that the pain didn’t stop. It continued to come randomly. He tried deep breathing, but that just made him float higher until he began to feel out of breath. He wanted to return to his sleeping position and wake up, but it was too late. He found himself paralyzed and losing sight.

Jett abandoned that body and forced his eyes to open. As he let go of that body, he gained his sight back briefly. During those brief moments, he seemed to see his body encased in tentacles. Only one of his eyes was still not covered. Darkness consumed everything. There was no sound and no breathing. Then without much effort, Jett opened one of his eyes, the right eye. He saw his hand. That was still not his own hand—it was a woman’s hand. He was still paralyzed. When he tried to move his eyeball to see around, that hand moved instead of his eyeball. After a few times, he noticed a pair of eyes. It was creepy. It looked like the eyes filter women like to use on their story update. The eyes were staring at him from the corner.

Still paralyzed and breathless, Jett was running out of time. He knew he was inside a dream. Jett wanted to wake up but can’t. Left with no good idea, he just stared at that hand that he still thought was his own hand. The creepy eyes seemed to be avoiding his stare, but every time he blinked, they got closer to the center.

His thought drifted into a person. Surprisingly, the enhanced speed remained the same as when he was out of the body. Many memories and thoughts surfaced, yet it only took a little time. Jett calmed down significantly after thinking of that person. He also forgot about the creepy eyes on the hand, which is why he suddenly startled when it suddenly appeared in the center out of nowhere, looking dreadful. Albeit frightened, Jett was a lot more clear-headed. He took a deep breath and let the dream go.

He woke up in reality. As he remembered, he hasn’t moved a single bit. He checked the time a few breaths later, and it was only 23:38. He only got an hour of sleep. He threw the phone away and stayed still for a long time, trying to recall everything that just happened. Then he thought of that person.

I’m sure there is a scientific explanation for that. It is normal. It happens from time to time. But the old monsters are out of date, so inventing a few more wouldn’t be a bad idea. Part 2 should be about the scientific explanation. Modern kids need to grow up with modern monsters.

My Moon

The moon shines brightest in the darkest night,
My sky was not dark enough.

The moon rises up highest at midnight,
But I was in delusion.

The moon has never stopped reflecting light,
My life was a cloudy night.

P.S. I miss you.

Genuine Feelings

ヨルシカ – 言って cover

There are times I would prefer a cover to an original song just because the cover song would feel more genuine, more relatable, and more flawed. It could also because there is less music, thus less distraction from the vocal.

When I first heard the song, it was playing in the background. I added it to my liked playlist on YouTube and put it on repeat for hours.

The Eternal Wait [3rd Edition]

There she stood, thousands of years in solitude, the world has changed, except her attitude, broken and battered, but still she stood, waiting for him, unwilling to accept verisimilitude.

Years have gone by; moments seemed like an eternity as dust engulfed her figure and traces of time etched her body, yet her heartbeat was not waning despite the years of soundless beating. She still remembered that day like yesterday, a day when he was still there. Holding her hand, they ran chasing sunsets.

Without him there, she befriended silence and played with dreams, thought to herself of what could have been. Laughing with the wind and smiling with the sun. Sounds of raindrops beating like drums, numbing her pain, hiding her tears. Eventually, she lost count of the years.

Perpetuity of time has no mercy; he endured the six pains, went through endless agony, struggled to hold his last memory of her. Moments quickly flashed by as he slowly forgot how he had died. Ultimately, his final fragment of memory shattered like a fragile sheet of ice. Yet his deep root of love inside his soul was never to be denied.

Losing the count of years was the same as losing her mind. So then she fell because she could no longer bear the solitude.
He felt empty, for he still loved her despite possessing no memory. And so, he reincarnated because he could no longer bear the solitude.

He traveled the world; hoping to find the one his soul once knew; she stirred up hell to find her dead companion. His journey ended along with his life and dream. To reincarnate as a mortal human was his great sacrifice, and to commit suicide was her great devotion. They both lost their immortality.

First reincarnation, second reincarnation, and soon his tenth reincarnation, then finally he earned enough merits for his ascension. He became a deity, but she was no longer there.

She conquered hell as she waited for him. One lifetime passed, two lifetimes passed, and soon ten lifetimes passed. But he had never shown up. So she reincarnated as a human to continue her search for him. Ten lifetimes passed as she lost all her memories of him. Only the root of love buried deep in her soul remained unwavering. She then ascended to become a goddess.

Both of them continued their search through every level of heaven. Eventually, their journey ended at the celestial sea, where they first met and experienced ecstasy. Then, they found a small river nearby and felt melancholy.

He caught sight of the place she had stood and waited for eternities.

She glanced at the place his body got buried.

They built their house on each side of the heavenly river. She waited for him as he waited for her. Each day they would greet but could not recognize the other. And so they waited eternally by the river.

An additional ending for a special person.

To Rhyss.

Ten thousand billion eternity later.

Her name was Rhyss, and his name was Jett. The divine couple—bound by destiny and fate. They found each other amid the chaotic world and went on dates. The sun rises only to set, but nobody knows how many times it has been repeating. Then one night after the sun had set, we found the divine couple holding hands on their deathbed. Moonlight reflection betrayed their satisfied expressions.

The divine couple’s death released a stream of memory striking through heaven to the celestial sea and returned to their original soul piece by piece.

The Eternal Wait ended because of the divine couple. They were the reincarnations of the two immortals’ scattered memories.